Please locate at least three "problem sentences" from each of your two essays and revise each.
This I Wonder:
1. I felt a punch hit the back of my helmet and my face almost hits the ice from the impact.
(I don't like the way this sounds. It seems awkward.)
I felt a punch hit the back of my helmet. My face almost hits the ice from the impact.
(I fixed the awkwardness of the sentence by adding a period and making it more understandable.)
2. I was more of a get the puck and find my open teammate for an easy goal player.
(It's a boring sentence.)
I was the player who would get the puck and thread the needle to an open teammate for a goal.
(By being a little more specific and descriptive it helps the sentence out.)
3. I looked back at Connor Lyons who was red in the face and slightly black and blue in his left eye.
(I have already told you his full name so I don't need to say it again.)
I looked back at Connor who was red in the face and slightly black and blue in his left eye.
(It makes the sentence less weird because you can look back and find out his last name. It flows better
now)
This I Argue:
1. “In fiscal year 2015, the federal government is projected to spend around 3.9 trillion dollars. These trillions of dollars make up around twenty-one percent of the U.S. economy, as measured by the Gross Domestic Product.” (Federal Spending)
(This is plagiarism)
According to the article "Federal Spending" In fiscal year 2015, the federal government is projected to spend around 3.9 trillion dollars. These trillions of dollars make up around twenty-one percent of the U.S. economy, as measured by the Gross Domestic Product.
(This is no longer plagiarism because of the setup sentence then listing the fact.)
2. we’ll be spending 638 billion dollars on the military program while our people go hungry.
(The correct number is 640 billion dollars)
we’ll be spending 640 billion dollars on the military program while our people go hungry.
(Now the fact is correct.)
3. Out of every country we spend the most. The next closest country in military spending is China with 188 billion.
(The first sentence is unclear.)
Out of every country in the world the U.S. spends the most on its military program. The next closest country in military spending is China with 188 billion dollars.
(Now it's more clear and the reader knows exactly what were talking about.)
This I Wonder:
1. I felt a punch hit the back of my helmet and my face almost hits the ice from the impact.
(I don't like the way this sounds. It seems awkward.)
I felt a punch hit the back of my helmet. My face almost hits the ice from the impact.
(I fixed the awkwardness of the sentence by adding a period and making it more understandable.)
2. I was more of a get the puck and find my open teammate for an easy goal player.
(It's a boring sentence.)
I was the player who would get the puck and thread the needle to an open teammate for a goal.
(By being a little more specific and descriptive it helps the sentence out.)
3. I looked back at Connor Lyons who was red in the face and slightly black and blue in his left eye.
(I have already told you his full name so I don't need to say it again.)
I looked back at Connor who was red in the face and slightly black and blue in his left eye.
(It makes the sentence less weird because you can look back and find out his last name. It flows better
now)
This I Argue:
1. “In fiscal year 2015, the federal government is projected to spend around 3.9 trillion dollars. These trillions of dollars make up around twenty-one percent of the U.S. economy, as measured by the Gross Domestic Product.” (Federal Spending)
(This is plagiarism)
According to the article "Federal Spending" In fiscal year 2015, the federal government is projected to spend around 3.9 trillion dollars. These trillions of dollars make up around twenty-one percent of the U.S. economy, as measured by the Gross Domestic Product.
(This is no longer plagiarism because of the setup sentence then listing the fact.)
2. we’ll be spending 638 billion dollars on the military program while our people go hungry.
(The correct number is 640 billion dollars)
we’ll be spending 640 billion dollars on the military program while our people go hungry.
(Now the fact is correct.)
3. Out of every country we spend the most. The next closest country in military spending is China with 188 billion.
(The first sentence is unclear.)
Out of every country in the world the U.S. spends the most on its military program. The next closest country in military spending is China with 188 billion dollars.
(Now it's more clear and the reader knows exactly what were talking about.)